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There is a unique area of exploration where spiritual growth intersects with emotional healing, where we can use therapeutic tools to directly enhance our relationship with HaShem. This week I received a beautiful question from a 'mevakesh', someone on spiritual path, wondering how he could supplement his spiritual growth with therapeutic tools.
The Question
Here’s the question that came my way: “I had an unsettling experience last week, and it’s made me realize how much my bitachon lives in my head and not in my actual feelings. I’ve learned Sha’ar HaBitachon multiple times and can even make the case that the best life is one filled with the feeling of 'Lo Ira Ra Ki Ata Imadi.' But despite all of that good stuff in my head, I just don’t feel as safe in the world as Sha’ar HaBitachon tells me I should. There have been so many tragedies lately in our communities. Young people being killed, war, danger. Yet somehow we need to find a way to live with bitachon and joy. And I really want to! Clearly, there’s something in the way that has prevented me from truly internalizing the ideas that I have been learning. I’m looking for ways to conceptualize and work on this disconnect between knowing and feeling.”
The Response:
His question touched me deeply, and made me reflect on my own process of growth, as well as the processes of clients that I have supported and guided over the years. I hope that these answers, 'lessons from the trenches' can be helpful to the respondant, as well as to others on their spritual paths.
Tefillah: Pouring Out the Heart
I believe that most powerful and personal way to bridge the mind and heart is through heartfelt prayer. Rachmana liba ba’i (Hashem desires the heart). When we pour out our pain and longing to feel the truths we know intellectually, our hearts open. As Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk taught, 'There is nothing more whole than a broken heart.' In this vulnerability, we create space for connection, guidance, and the bitachon we seek.
I’ve spent countless times in prayer, with the sky sometimes blurred by tears. Sometimes, it felt brutal and lonely. But over time, this raw expression of my longing created deep connection with the Divine, and profound shifts within me.
Understanding, Acceptance, and Self-Compassion
Building a bridge between the mind and heart is a lifelong avodah (spiritual work). Neuroscience sheds light on this: the part of the brain capable of learning Sha’ar HaBitachon is distinct from the part controlling our fight, flight, or freeze response. These automatic responses are deeply wired for survival and can override intellectual understanding.
For those with past trauma, such as complex PTSD, the journey is especially challenging. If early experiences taught us not to trust or feel safe, our "operating system" becomes wired to expect harm. Healing—through therapy, prayer or other means—is essential for rewiring these patterns.
"Lines of Code" in the Operating System
Our implicit memory is like the operating system behind a program: unseen but foundational. If early attachment goes wrong, our internal operating system can be shaped by adaptive but limiting beliefs, such as:
- Don’t trust anyone: People in authority will betray or harm you.
- Blame yourself: It’s safer to take responsibility than to risk angering or distancing caregivers.
- Prepare for shame: Expect judgment and criticism as a default response.
- Stay distant: Don’t let anyone get too close; vulnerability leads to pain.
- Don’t feel your feelings: Emotional detachment is safer than raw hurt.
- Don’t expect good things to last: If you let in happiness, the eventual loss will hurt more.
Some of these may speak to you, and you may have other messages that you internalized. What these "lines of code" have in common, is that they were once adaptive for survival but can create significant barriers to trusting Hashem and others in adulthood. Therapy, safe relationships, and spiritual practices can "update" this system, allowing us to integrate the truths we learn.
Looking to Positive Past Experiences
Reb Nosson in Likutei Halachos compares bitachon to light shining from past guidance, showing us the next step forward. Reflecting on moments when Hashem cared for us in the past can illuminate our path. For those with difficult pasts, this process may take longer but is no less valuable. As bad as it may have been, there was surely some good as well. By finding moments of batzar hirchavta li, through the distress you have expanded goodness for me, we can find attachment, connection and healing even as we walk through the depths of our challenges.
Rebuilding Faith After Breakage
One sage compared childhood faith to a small pair of tzitzis that no longer fits in adulthood. As we grow, our faith may stretch, tear, or even shatter. But the breaking process makes room for a more expansive, mature faith. By asking and seeking, we rebuild. Sometimes our hearts break to shattered crumbs that we can't even collect from the mud in which they are submerged, yet there is bitachon that we've been through the trenches before, and that when our hearts break, HKBH sends in reinforcements. The tzitzis, heart or emuna will break, will be ripped, stretched and distroyed. But if you ask and search, you'll get another one. A bigger one, stronger, deeper one.
Tools for Bridging the Gap
- Therapeutic Approaches: IFS, EMDR, memory reconsolidation and other therapeutic approaches can help access and heal implicit memories that influence our felt sense of safety and trust.
- Sichas Chaveirim: Honest conversations with trusted friends or mentors who are on a similar journey can provide support and perspective.
- Reflection and Prayer: Turning intellectual learning into prayer—“Hashem, I want to feel this; I want to believe this”—can be deeply transformative.
Practical Takeaways
- Start Small: Seek moments of connection, whether through prayer, learning, or relationships, and let these experiences build upon one another.
- Be Patient: Recognize that transformation takes time. Celebrate incremental progress.
- Keep Searching: Approach the journey with determination and openness, gathering strength from each step forward.
Crushing the Wick: Finding Light Within the Darkness
Life’s trenches can feel overwhelming, but they also hold the seeds of growth. By seeking, asking, and remaining open to healing, we can slowly bridge the gap between knowing and feeling, and truly embody the bitachon that leads to a life of "lo ira ra ki Ata imadi" (I will not fear, for You are with me).
Reb Shimon bar Yochai wrote in the Holy Zohar in Parshas Shemos on page 72:
"Reb Shimon lifted his hands, wept, and said, Woe to those who will be found in that time... Fortunate is the one who will be found in that time with faith..." רבי שמעון זקף ידוי ובכה ואמר, וואי מאן דיזדמן וישתכח בההוא זימנא... זכאה מאן דיזדמן בההוא זימנא במהימנותא... (זוהר שמות ע"ב)
As Chanukah approaches, another teaching from Reb Nosson comes to mind. Drawing on the Zohar, Reb Nosson explains that both olive oil and a wick must undergo a process of crushing and refinement to serve their purpose of bringing light into the world. The Zohar states:
"The wick must be crushed and broken in order to hold the flame." (Zohar, Parashat Bereshit, Section 86)
Similarly, olive oil must endure grinding and pressing to release its purest essence. This imagery mirrors the soul’s journey: through life’s challenges and struggles, our inner light is revealed. (Likkutei Halachot Betziat HaPat 5:24)
The Midrash compares this process to the journey of the Jewish people. Just as olives are harvested, crushed, and pressed to produce oil, we often face trials and hardships that refine us and prepare us to become vessels for divine illumination. The crushing is not a destruction but a transformation—a necessary step to reveal our potential and connect to the divine.
Life's challenges, while painful, serve to purify and refine us, making us capable of holding the light of faith and divine connection - helping us become a proper vessel for deeply embodied bitachon. The flame of the wick and the oil remind us that through perseverance and trust, even in the darkest times, we can shine with a light that illuminates not only our own path but also the paths of those around us. The brokenness is the only way to reach the light.
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